Promises

If you haven't seen the video (or even heard the song) for "Just A Dream" by Carrie Underwood, I wouldn't suggest listening to it. The first time I heard it I definitely started to tear up, but back then it didn't really resonate with me because that was before J. The first time I heard it after he and I started dating, I bawled like a little girl. In a way it was kind of like a reality check for me. To be honest, I was living in a world in my head where I couldn't acknowledge the fact that something could happen to him while he's in Iraq. To me, he practically could have been going to Switzerland. I'm not saying that I now think that something will happen, or even that it's probable- I'm just saying that I've resigned myself to the fact that he will be in danger, but he'll be doing what he has to do.

There's a part in the "Just A Dream" video on the night before he leaves where the soldier tells his girlfriend who is worried sick that he has a whole perfect life planned for them, and she says to him, "Promise?" It got me wondering about the promises we ask our men to make and why it is that we ask them to make us promises that we know they can't guarantee they'll keep. I told myself this morning that I wouldn't ask J to promise to come home or to promise that he'll be safe and won't get hurt. I can't ask that of him because I know how disappointed he would be if he couldn't keep that promise to me. I can't ask that of him because it's not fair, but I know that when I'm saying good-bye to him in March that logic will probably go out the window. I'll want those promises because they'll get me through the good-bye and the several months that follow. I'll want them because I'll feel as though the words will somehow make it true. I'll want them because he doesn't lie to me and because he keeps the promises that he makes to me.

There is a part in the Sheryl Crow song "Strong Enough" that goes, "Lie to me and I promise I'll believe/ Lie to me, but please don't leave." While the sentiment of the song is completely unrelated, those particular lyrics resonate with me lately in an entirely new way.